


if it brings me to my knees (it's a bad religion)

by noturno



Series: if the heavens ever did speak [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Blood Drinking, Fools in Love, Human/Vampire Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Mark Lee Worries About A Lot Of Things, Pining, Vampires, mentions of jeno's embarrassing crush on mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-08 05:13:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noturno/pseuds/noturno
Summary: "Driving you to the hospital after you've been bitten by a vampire hardly counts as a first date."Fool. Of course it does. Mark died on the passenger seat of Renjun's old red Chevy, and the miracle of the bite brought him back. It was like his brain suddenly remembered he had to take History of Economic Thought with Huang Renjun every Thursday, and then Mark came back from the dead for him. No grave could ever hold his body down, not if it's Renjun.(Or, the unlife and times of Mark Lee, clueless bloodsucker excellency.)





	if it brings me to my knees (it's a bad religion)

**Author's Note:**

> [pretends i'm not late] happy halloween, freaks. with a dose of vampire mark, gay shenanigans and what it takes to be a monster and loved anyway! i'll cheer to this forever.  
  
title is from frank ocean's "bad religion", as it should.  
  
[playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7pWrX0qO8PropfV5CObbmv?si=EMZ1xgqhSuKwk83SMG47yA)  
  
[black lives matter. here's how to support them.](https://moreblminfo.carrd.co/)

_ My baby never fret none _

_ About what my hands and my body done _

_ If the Lord don't forgive me _

_ I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me. _

(Hozier, "Work Song")

“I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion – I have shudder’d at it – I shudder no more – I could be martyr’d for my Religion – Love is my religion – I could die for that – I could die for you.”

(John Keats, letter to franny Brawne)

"Drink from me?" Renjun snorts, face still buried in his beaten up copy of The Count of Monte Cristo. He's dyed his hair a darker color recently, and claims to be letting it grow out, and while Mark has wanted him for a long time, it has never been so real. Still, he remains hugging at his own knees on this spot on the floor of Renjun's apartment. "Oh, wouldn't you like that, Fangs?"

"It's just an idea," he replies, helpless. An idea, the seed of a fruit Ten had planted deep, deep in his heart, and now he can't seem to pluck the roots off his chest. "Ten said it can help me-- it could... _ ah, _ you know. The thing."

At that, Renjun doesn't laugh, nor snorts, nor moves at all. He stays silent for a while as Mark listens to his heartbeat, the thing Mark loves the most in unlife, steady as it is.

Renjun is, essentially, the object of Mark's affection ever since the day he led the freshmen through campus during the welcoming week wearing a shirt with _ Down with the cis-tem! _ written on the front. Mark saw him through the window during his Medieval II lecture and then started collecting reasons to have a crush on Huang Renjun. His hair, ash blonde back then, always tucked under a snapback. The way he always says the smartest things in class, at least in the ones they share. How he laughs when he's at the campus' cafeteria with his friends, loud and genuine. How careful he is with his words, and with his hands, and the gentle slope of his nose and the sound of his voice. The list goes on and on.

If Mark's life was a movie, then that infatuation would lead up to them talking after an Econ presentation, and Mark would tell him: _ I wanna go down on you like USA's economy in 2008, babe. _ And Renjun, for one, would think he was the wittiest, most interesting Historian in the Humanities department, and he would fall in love with him.

If only his life was a movie. But it isn't. Mark does not like to think about the day they properly met. That's for later. He starts picking at the loose strands of Renjun's blue rug, still watching as his eyes don't move from where they're fixed at somewhere in the book.

Well, months ago, he had told Mark: _ I didn't know vampires could be traumatized _ . But Renjun didn't take one semester of History of Vampiric Knowledge like Mark had, nor had him been attacked by a rogue vampire late at night — although he came very close to that, and Mark can't help but think _ thank the Moon it was me instead of him _—, nor did he know vampires like Mark dream of dying more often than not. But now Renjun knows, and he's thinking about it, and he turns another page of his book. 

"I'll think about it and keep you posted, Fangs."

His heart skips a beat once, and if Mark could blush, if he had fed earlier today, he would. 

The first time Renjun calls him that, they're heading together to the Humanities department at night and Mark, ever so graceful in the way his body refuses to function properly near Renjun even as an immortal being, presses down on his skateboard wrongly and trips, cursing under his breath. 

And Renjun, ever so Renjun, lets out a laugh, stepping off his own board and wrapping one arm around him. "Not good at skating as you are being a vampire, huh, Fangs?"

Mark snorts. The lights of their building twinkle at the distant and he can already hear the cacophony of voices and heartbeats and Twice songs playing softly on speakers, yet he tries to tune it out here in the curb. "Fangs?" he asks.

"What," Renjun shrugs, pulling off of him, and Mark mopes instantly. He walks over to where Mark's skate rests near a bench on the street and picks it up fro him. "Would you prefer that I called you a bloodsucker? Fearsome cold one? Anemic walking dead?"

No. He likes it. Mark's always thought that things are more real when you call them by name; it's as if Renjun is looking at him and saying _ I know I know I know I know I know that you exist and I am seeing you _, and it's all he's ever wanted. Even if it's a cheeky nickname. Mark is willing to take everything he gives him.

"You talk too much, Renjun," he says, because if Renjun ever finds out he likes it, he won't be using it. "I'll race you to the History building for that."

The smile Renjun gives him, already pushing him off to get a good start, _ ah-- _

"You know, I would rather die than wear puff sleeves."

"You're so tragic," Jaemin responds. He has the brightest smile, the sharpest fangs, and the uncanny ability to get on Mark's nerves most of the time. He reaches out with a hand and smoothes down the fabric over Mark's chest — he hates dress shirts. He hates vampire dress code. "Most of us got over the tragicness on the eighteenth century, darling. But not the puff sleeves. They're still very fashionable."

"I wasn't even born back then," Mark replies with a mumble. "I'll have to remind you I am twenty, Jaemin. Twenty _ years _ old. And I'm not wearing puff sleeves for you."

He's the youngest vampire in the coven — _ in all seven branches, _ for the Moon's sake. The last time he met Jaehyun's older siblings, every single one of them older than most modern states, Kiseok had stuck his thumb inside Mark's mouth to feel his fangs, who had just started to grow, and said: _ praise the Moon, would you look at these things? _ And Mark had never been so mortified, even more when Soojung slapped her brother's hand away, claiming you're not supposed to check up on the _ children _ during dinner like that.

Jaemin lets out a loud laugh, tapping him on the chest like he's just told the most hilarious joke. "Oh, Mark, I do forget myself. It's just that you're _ so _ handsome for a youngling!"

Rolling his eyes, Mark pushes himself off him. They've been in Jaemin's room for what feels like forever, waiting for the others to get all dolled up, and he stands by the window and looks down at the city coming alive under them. 

There's a flutter of heart, suddenly startling him, as Mark is still not used to Lucas hanging out by the hotel. He doesn't think humans are exactly fit to be in the lion's den like this. He is, essentially, Jaemin's eye candy and plus one at every party — and donor, well, at any time. Mark greets him with a nod, choosing to ignore how Jaemin drapes himself over him instantly, showering him with kisses.

Five things a vampire loves the most, he's learned. One being blood, of course, what else would it be. Blood red like rubies, some taste like honey to him now, makes his cheeks flush pink like he's human. Bags tucked in his fridge, the ones that Johnny gives him every time he drops by the hotel's personal blood bank, or the donors at the city's bank that Mark has never sought, not even once, due to reasons. All blood is good, but drinking from a living human feels better than anything he'll ever taste. Or so he's heard. He shakes his head from the thought.

Two. A good party. Pretty lights and good music, glasses filled with oh so desired drink, sweet laughter from centuries old beings. Which leads to three, fashion, and how they love it, diamonds hand-sewed to the jacket Jaemin's lent him instead of the puff sleeves, making Mark shine like a firecracker. Every party is a reason to dress up and meet up and knock yourself out. Which leads, to, well, a lot of other things_ . _

Companionship being the fourth thing a vampire loves the most, though. Not sex per se, no, just companionship, in all forms. But all things taken in consideration, it's safe to say that Lucas Wong is a fortuitous being that focus most of Jaemin's interests and desires in one single body, and he never fails to remind everyone of that, even unknowingly. Look at what I have, and look at what you don't.

Which is why Mark looks away. 

"What's the fifth?" Renjun asks him, when he picks up Mark from the hotel, an hour before the sunrise. _ I was already awake, _he had lied when Mark got into the passenger seat. Every time Renjun lies, his heart beats just a little faster, the blood on his cheeks make him blush a little more, and Mark knows. He always knows, which is why he also hates always knowing. Do you see the conundrum? 

"Huh?" he mumbles, eyes following the slope of Renjun's nose, the shape of his lips. Renjun never notices him looking, which is good. But it's also bad. Renjun pays attention to everything — he's the smartest person Mark knows, ready for anything, eager to learn, eager to know. But he does not notice Mark looking at him. Do you see the conundrum?

He laughs: "What's the fifth thing a vampire loves the most, Fangs? You didn't finish the story."

Mark didn't finish the story, but there wasn't much to it anyway. Every party is almost the same — the coven meets up at the hotel or some other fancy place, they drink and chat and dance like madmen. They're not _ that _ many, but Jaehyun's cover is the biggest among all of his sibling's now that Mark has joined, and when Jinsoul and her girls are in town, every party is almost the same but also _ promising, _somehow. He's always entertained by the way Hyejoo beats some of the strongest vampires in his coven at every arm wrestling match.

As for Mark, though, he spent the entire night talking to Heejin, from the Jinsoul's branch of the coven. She makes fun of him more often than not, but she also brings him silly gifts from France every time she visits, so Mark figures she must like him a tiny little bit. 

He doesn't want to-- he doesn't want to recall their conversation, though. That's for later. Mark coughs: "History. The fifth thing a vampire loves the most is History. Fitting, right?"

Renjun nods accordingly. He stops at a red light, two blocks from his place — somehow, Mark always ends up going back to Renjun's apartment. He doesn't know why it happens. He knows, but he also doesn't _ want _ to know, because it makes it more real. Do you see the conundrum? 

(He hasn't taken up on Jaehyun's offer to move in. Once Doyoung told him that Jaehyun likes to have all of his things at arm's reach — and even though Mark got flustered at it, at the thought that he _ belongs _ somewhere now, he didn't take up. _ I like where I live, it's closer to my university, _ he had said. No one questioned him.)

But he always comes back to Renjun's apartment. And every time Renjun asks him, _ do you want to go in? _ Because he can't enter if Renjun doesn't invite him, and Renjun always does.

Maybe that's why Mark keeps coming back to him. Because Renjun allows him to.

"Makes sense," Renjun says after a long time. It feels like a long time to Mark because it's like Time is constantly stretching her arms when it comes to him, which can only be a byproduct of immortality. He reminds himself to blink and look away from Renjun's face, not that he would notice anyway. "It makes sense that your grades are so good now. It's a vampire cheating thing."

Mark makes a sound in protest. "It's _ not _ cheating. My grades were good when I was human! You don't know that because--"

_ Because you didn't talk to me _ . He wants to say it. He wants to demand it. Would you have liked me as a human? Would you _ love _ me if I was human? Is this why it's always push and pull with you? Are you going to get rid of me when I fully detached myself from humanity and become cut from marble, unchanging and terrifyingly inhuman like all the Jungs are? What am I to you? What do you want me to be--

"Because we only shared one class until then," he says at last. And Renjun buys it because he can't know when Mark is lying. He can't listen to his heart.

He wouldn't be able to. Not even if he presses his face to Mark's chest and tries.

By the Moon, Mark does worry a lot. Maybe Heejin was right, thinking about it now. _ Why hurt yourself over it-- _

Renjun laughs. Of course he does. "Well, I'll give you that, Fangs."

Mark forces a chuckle out of himself. Do you see the conundrum?

Which is why Mark is adamant when he brings it up, and even more so when Renjun asks about it one more time during dinner. 

It's been so long that Mark almost doesn't remember it — as time stretches out, it also makes things easier to forget. Did he attend the party a week or two months before? Did he fall in love with Renjun today as he slices an apple carefully with the cafeteria's cheap knife or five hundred, eighty days ago?

Questions. Lots of questions, always. Mark hums: "What did you say?"

Rolling his eyes, Renjun takes a bite. "Do you still want to drink from me, yes or no?"

"When you say it like that, it's weird," Mark replies in a whisper, although he's sure no one else heard. No one in this university knows he's a vampire — or, if they know, they don't mention it. Everybody knows vampires are out there. They just choose to ignore it the best way they can. "It would be an _ experiment _, but I'm not even sure if I want to do it."

It was Ten's idea. Ten is Jaehyun's unofficial second-in-command, naturally, since they've been dating for centuries, and he's liked Mark from the start. Helps him out with everything and anything, saying they look like evil twins, with the short dark hair. But the first time he tried to indulge Mark into drinking from a donor, in the comfort of the coven's hotel, Lucas smiling brightly at him because _ you don't have to be scared of me, dude, what even! _, Mark had felt like sweating cold, even though his body doesn't do that anymore. 

He didn't know vampires could have anxiety attacks. He thought that the bite was a gift, and that it would cure him of all of his problems just like it gave him a perfect sight and a superhuman strength to replace his engraved myopia and the knee problem that got him out of every P.E. class back in school.

But the bite didn't help him with that. He kept thinking about it, for the first time in months. Walking out of class, the last one to leave because he was busy bothering his professor with many questions about the world-system theory and all things Fernand Braudel, a shadow moving way too quick to be just his imagination, and then… Pain. Full-on pain, paralyzing even, like nothing he's ever felt before.

The vampire nurse at the hospital had told him he could press charges if he wanted. _ It is prohibited by law to attack and turn people in the streets. _ And Jaehyun had offered to send in his best men after the vampire that bit him — Jaehyun himself would go, if Mark wanted to. _ Rogue vampires are criminals. _But Mark didn't--

Mark doesn't remember. Any of it. He just remembers feeling a lot of pain and seeing all that blood, _ his _ blood spilled on his clothes, on the snow on the ground looking like the strawberry snow cones his mother used to buy for him when she was alive, on Renjun's car when he took Mark to the hospital. 

No. The Moon forbid he ever did that to someone, even if he knows he can't Turn anyone now that he's pledged allegiance to Jaehyun. What if his status as a Minor vampire just _ failed, _and he was dangerous, and he could inflige that pain to anyone. First the guilt, and then knowing that the coven would have to banish him, Jaehyun would have to kill him--

Which is also why Ten had said it: _ You can try it with a friend. You can't survive on bagged blood forever, you know. It's not the same thing. _

Mark lets out a breath: "It's just that I trust you, and I could never hurt you. So that's why I asked."

Renjun nods. He tries feeding him a piece of apple but Mark purses his lips. Even though he _ can _ eat human food, fruit is just a no-no, he's learned. Which is sad for him, as he loved watermelons when he was human. 

"How do you know that?" Renjun asks.

"Know what?"

"How do you know you could never hurt me?" he repeats, one of his eyebrows raised, and Mark feels tied down to this ugly chair at the cafeteria, to the textbook he brought from the library just to have an excuse to sit here with Renjun, even if he does not eat. "Do vampires never lose control?"

Oh, they do. Mark knows. But he also knows he'd rather die than hurt Renjun, would willingly put a silver bullet through his heart if that was the case. He wouldn't need Jaehyun for that.

_ I could never hurt you because I love you. _ Love as the renounce of violence and everything that he is, of course. But Renjun doesn't know that, does he. "I wouldn't know how to live with myself if I ever did that. But, seriously, forget it--"

"Let's do it."

Mark looks up from his textbook, and Renjun smiles reassuringly at him. "Let's do it someday, Fangs. I trust you, too, so let's do it."

Suddenly, the rest of the world is only white noise for him.

"I'm not forbidden from falling in love with humans, then?"

Heejin makes a face like he's just said something really stupid, which is how she used to look like all the time when Mark was around before they became friends, and it brings such a feeling of nostalgia upon him that he ends up smiling, and it only deepens the crease between her furrowed eyebrows. "You're such a weird creature, Mark Lee. No one knows how to take care of you."

Renjun does. And he does it on purpose. Mark knows that if he gets his phone and calls him, at 3 am on a Sunday, Renjun is going to pick up. He doesn't know why, but he knows Renjun will pick up.

"Although--" she continues, sipping on her glass of Coca-Cola. Heejin is one of the few vampires that like to drink human beverages like Mark does, except that for him it's just his body getting adapted to the need of blood, and for Heejin, it's just her preference. Mark, too, thinks she's a strange creature, but he doesn't say it. "No, it's not prohibited, at least not in the Jung coven. It's just frowned upon in general, I supposed."

"How so?"

When Heejin shrugs, her sparkly dress casts a rainbow on her skin. They both are a pair of multicolored dreams tonight, shining like the crystal chandelier hanging in the middle of the room. "Well, because it's quite sad, isn't it?" she says. "To love someone who's made of something you've been stripped off. It's tantalizing, and only that. You can reach out all you want but you'll never have it back, Mark. So why hurt yourself over it?"

He nods. "Ah."

Love as the eternal search for something that ties you to another, then. Isn't it everything that there is to love? A connection? Or thousands of them? And how desperately Mark searches just for one.

And sometimes he likes to think that Renjun searches, too.

It's mostly... It's mostly delusional of his part, Mark thinks. How he projects that thought on Renjun like he doesn't have an entire life of his own, with human friends of his own, with _ hook ups _ of his own. Renjun is his own person, with his own story to tell, modern day hero on his own. The only villain in his story is the bloodsucker demon he somehow calls a _ friend _, and--

"Stop saying that," Renjun tells him. His hands brush both sides of Mark's face, thumbs over his high cheekbones. It is also why Mark thinks he searches. If he didn't, why would he stand in this restroom, in between Mark's legs, why would he do that if he didn't-- "I care about you. I'm telling you to do it because I care, Mark."

Care. He cares. There is something just so sweet about caring for someone, and now Mark knows for sure because Renjun's heartbeat doesn't pick up, and he's not lying, and Mark knows, and he's feeling so dizzy that he has to brace himself on the counter top with a hand before he ends up falling over Renjun.

Once Renjun joked about calling him an anemic walking dead. Mark regrets not sliding an extra bag of blood disguised as a Capri Sun inside his bag when he knew he'd spend the day out, finals season and all. 

"Just take me to Johnny, at the hotel," he mumbles, closing his eyes. He's never felt this sick before. He's never skipped a meal before, not as a vampire at least. He used to thrive on instant noodles and energy drinks as an average college student, but everyone in the coven warned him of what would happen if he didn't drink enough blood to survive the day. He's just-- "I'm stupid. Just take me to Johnny, seriously. I'll be fine."

"You can barely walk," Renjun insists. He has both of his hands on top of Mark's thighs now, warm and real even through his pants. If he had drank before coming to class, if he didn't think he's going to pass out at any minute, Mark would blush furiously. Now he just opens his eyes and stares at Renjun's hands. "Fangs, just do it, c'mon. I locked the door, no one's going to see."

He really did lock the door. Mark can hear the people outside complaining. He looks up at him. He brings his hands to Renjun's face, for some reason, feeling the soft skin under his touch. Renjun has acne marks like he used to before Turning. Mark pokes at them. He's also warm and real. "You're a dumb human, did you know that?"

"And you're a dumber vampire. Get on with it, Fangs."

He compels Mark to get off the counter, with certain difficulty, and takes his place. Mark is left looking at him, staring at him, waiting for Renjun to back off — he didn't want this to go this way. When he thought about drinking from Renjun (he realizes, in shame, that he's thought about it a lot before, more than he should), he pictured it with a better setting in mind. Maybe at home, in the couch or in the bed, and Mark would say something stupid to make him laugh, and then Renjun would let him drink from him.

He definitely did not imagine doing it in a restroom at their university. A downgrade even for him, whose bar for activities with your crush is on the ground.

But Renjun smiles at him."It's alright," he says softly. Mark thinks it's ironic that he has to reassure _ him _, as if Mark is not the bloodsucking monster here. He locks his ankles behind Mark, pulling him closer. "I trust you, Fangs, remember that?"

At this distance, his smell is unbearable. It makes Mark want to either run away or press his face to Renjun's neck, and he feels a little more energized just by being this close. "Stop calling me that," he asks, half-heartedly, which only makes Renjun slide a hand into his hair.

It's more-- _ intimate _ than he thought it would be. He's sure that, with donors back in the blood bank, it's not like this. It must _ not _ be like this, for sure. Mark rests his hands on Renjun's hips and lets him as he guides his face to his neck. 

(He likes to think that Renjun searches for it, too. He likes to think that Renjun searches for it, too. He likes to think--) 

"Are you scared?" Renjun asks him. It's nothing more than a whisper, Mark feels his breath where it hits the side of his hair. If he focuses, he could hear only that, and the beating of Renjun's heart.

"A little bit," he replies. His nose graces the soft, thin skin of Renjun's neck and he smells so _ good _. It's madness.

Renjun scratches at his scalp, the way he does when Mark is playing video games at his place and he's busy doing his weekly reading, one hand always in Mark's hair. It comforts him. "Don't worry, it's not like I'm a vampire or any potentially dangerous mythical being like that," he jokes, with a chuckle.

The enormity of Mark's love and want for this boy disgusts him. He's sure Renjun will never forgive him for that, if he ever finds out. Which is why, instead of saying anything that could compromise him, Mark bites down at the soft skin of his neck.

(Mark doesn't know how they became friends, but he remembers the first time Renjun called him one. 

It was the first time he went to uni after Turning. He was late for a lecture, searching for the correct classroom, and bumped into Renjun as he walked out of one with his friends in tow. He looked up at Mark, and instead of running away, he smiled, he asked him how he was doing, and when Mark replied, he turned to the pair behind him and said: _ everyone, this is my friend Mark. _

"You fool. You're never getting rid of me now," Mark had joked as they parted, and Renjun laughed at him like it was the funniest thing.

"Wouldn't want to," he had replied. And if Mark's heart could still beat, boy, he's sure the whole world would be able to listen to it.)

Long story short, they don't talk about the feeding thing after it happens. 

Well, _ Mark _ doesn't, because he avoids going to Renjun's place, claiming he still needs to hand in some late essays, so he does not talk about it. But does he think of it.

It's bigger than him. Of course it is. When is anything Mark do not bigger than him, with this uncanny overreacting ability of his. An actual quote from Donghyuck, his bestest friend who moved away to play soccer. He has no idea just how right he is, and if he did, he would take a plane just to rub it on Mark's face.

It's quite pathetic, actually. Mark is counting his vitamins to know when he'll need to ask Johnny for more before he accidentally ends up walking under the sun without protection, the ones Renjun always remembers him to take and he's thinking about it. He's watching Jaemin's instagram stories, sees the natural blush on Lucas's face, remembers he's human and he's thinking about it. He's walking his neighbour's dog like every Wednesday since he moved to this apartment, sees the bus he can take to Renjun's place and he's thinking about it.

Mark thought that nothing could taste better than a Major vampire's blood during a welcoming ritual. It's _ supposed _ to be that way. He dreamed of Jaehyun's blood for weeks, thought he wouldn't ever be able to get that taste off his tongue, it's what makes Mark his subordinate anyway.

But Renjun? Oh. Mark doesn't know if it's the infatuation or Renjun's diet or fate or if it isn't anything at all. But does he think of it. But does he _ dream _ of it.

It's pathetic. Mark pities himself most of the time but more than ever when he dreams of the heat of Renjun's skin, how good he tastes. And then more than that, too, because-- _ Well. _His legs around Mark, hands on his hair, his shoulders, and the sound of his heavy breathing.

(Jaemin told him about it. It does not only feel good for the vampire. But Mark thought that it was a personal opinion of his, as Jaemin seemed to have many of those and to be very proud of sharing them with the world. He thought it was a Jaemin-Lucas thing. He did not think--)

_ He did not think. _Mark is not a thing that thinks anymore, not when Renjun is around. Hell, he doesn't have to be around — Mark is reduced to a thing that wants him, and nothing else.

And does his body let him know. Mark rubs a hand against his face, rolling on his back on the bed. He has to get up and drink something before leaving for his night lecture. And he needs to stop taking afternoon naps if it means he's going to wake up straining against his pyjama pants like a dumb teenager.

Breathing in deep, Mark stares at the ceiling. Every time he blinks, he sees the curve of Renjun's neck. He's so into the memory that he can almost feel Renjun tugging at his hair, and how he wishes he did that again.

Whatever. Mark breathes out, rolling on his belly once again, sighing at the slight friction. There's a billion things about him that Renjun doesn't know. This is just another one of them.

"Did you like it?!" Jaemin asks, screams even, patting down the empty space beside him on the bed like they're a pair of kids in a sleepover. Mark regrets agreeing to spend the night at the hotel. He sighs, sitting down. "Tell me everything about it!"

"It was good," he says. More than good, he wants to add, but doesn't. He's afraid that if he starts talking about it, he's going to spill all his secrets to Jaemin. "He's very sweet. As a person, I mean, but his blood too. I didn't know-- I didn't know."

He doesn't need to elaborate. Jaemin is beaming like a child on Christmas. "But I told you it was nice, didn't I? It's indescribable. When are you doing it again?"

Mark frowns. "Again… ? I think it was just an one time thing. I was actually, huh, kind of sick at the moment and needed to drink, so that's why we did it.

Jaemin's face deflates. He puts on a pout: "What about the romance, Mark!"

Ro-- he laughs. "There is no romance between Renjun and I," and he knows that very well. "He was just helping me out. We weren't-- we are not the same as you and Lucas, Jaemin."

There must have been something in his tone, the way he said it, or even on his face. Or maybe Jaemin, being alive for four hundred years, knows more about life and dating than he does, because he leans into Mark's space with big, big eyes like an overgrown puppy. "But you want that, don't you?"

Mark rubs a hand against his own face, one knuckle pressing to his eyelid. "I just don't know what to do, man. I truly don't."

Jaemin pats him on the shoulder sympathetically. "Don't fred, darling, it's all going to work out just fine. I'm sure of it."

That's one thing Ten had told him during his welcoming tour at the coven: do not trust a pretty face like Na Jaemin, ever.

Mark should've listened to him.

"I just thought it would be a good idea to invite him!" Jaemin tries, walking faster to keep up with Mark, who does not want to walk with him at all. The sooner he gets to the exhibit, the sooner he'll be able to convince Renjun to leave so they can do whatever, but far, far from Jaemin. "I asked Lucas to find him on that Facebook thing, I thought it was a good idea, Mark!"

He can't even fathom the thought of Renjun and Jaemin meeting, with Jaemin knowing what he knows, with Renjun being who he is. This is what the end of the world looks like to Mark.

"I just--" Jaemin repeats. His hand comes up to grab at Mark's shoulder, and since he's older and stronger than him, Mark can't help but be pulled to a stop. He growls, though, fangs popping out on full display despite being in public, and Jaemin raises both hands in surrender. He does not like fighting. "Mark, my darling, you told me you didn't know what to do. I thought a double date would be a good way to start courting him."

"As in, I don't know what to do about the whole _ situation. _I'm not-- I'm not courting him, Jaemin. No one does that in 2019, dude."

Frowning profusely, Jaemin crosses his arms. He begins walking, and since they're headed in the same direction, there is nothing Mark can do if not follow. "If you're not courting him," he says scandalously in a high pitched voice, and Mark feels a metaphorical headache forming. "Why did you ask for my help? I am the best at courting, ask anyone! Everybody that wants to court somebody seeks me. Why did you seek me?"

Mark lets out a laugh in disbelief. "I cannot stress enough how much I did not seek you, Jaemin. You tricked me into being here today when I thought we were going out to buy a birthday gift for Ten's death anniversary_ , _for fuck's sake." 

Jaemin tilts his head, lips pursed. "I might have lied a little bit, I admit it. And I am sorry."

"Oh, are you, Jaemin?"

"But that's because… !" Jaemin presses the lamp post button with too much enthusiasm, and Mark is sure that it will never work again. Jaemin waits until they can cross the street to continue: "I want you to be happy, Mark Lee. And in order to be happy, you need to be with your human lover. Like it is with Lucas and I!"

Mark doesn't-- Mark can't stress how much Renjun and him are not alike to Jaemin and Lucas. For one, they aren't even a thing. He thinks of a billion reasons why Renjun should not date him, and why Mark himself should stop thinking about dating him, and he could list all of them to Jaemin if he's willing to listen.

Aging, for one. One day Renjun is going to be old enough to have grandchildren and Mark will still look twenty, which is depressing. And how does one explain to your family that you're dating a vampire — Mark hasn't even told his all time best friend that he is one! And Mark could hurt him — he would _ never, _ but he could, if shit went down. And what would Renjun be against him. A paper boat on a sea storm, that's all. And then he can dig a little deeper:

"We are--" he sighs. "It's not even close to what Lucas is to you, starting with the fact that Renjun does not like me back. And also because I am a monster. Why would I submit Renjun to a life with someone like me?"

Jaemin doesn't display any reaction, but his eyes furrow just a little bit. Mark's been told before that he should not go around saying he's a monster — many vampires get offended at that. But not Jaemin. Him and Jaemin have had countless conversations about it before. About what Mark thinks he is, about what Mark feels about Renjun, about everything.

Jaemin is, against all odds, the one Mark is closest to in the coven. And Mark cherishes him. Against all odds, too. Which is why he repeats: _ "I am a monster. _ You are not because you're good, because you don't have a mean bone in your body, but I am."

They're three blocks from the art gallery now. Mark can smell Renjun's cologne from here. His body starts to move without him noticing, and he has to brace himself on a bench on the sidewalk.

"I just--." he takes a deep breath. Jaemin approaches him carefully, sits down on the bench like they have all the time in the world.

And they do. Because they're vampires. And they're never going to die. And that boy-- that boy inside the art gallery, waiting for him, _ he _ doesn't-- have that. He doesn't have what they do.

It hurts when Mark breathes. "I shouldn't have drank from him. How am I going to forget him now that his blood runs in my veins?"

Jaemin makes a face, and he has to forcefully rub it off with a hand before he eventually erupts in laughter. Of course. Mark sits down. Of course, he's being ridiculous. Jaemin pats him on the shoulder sympathetically.

"You don't have to forget him, silly," he says. "By the Moon, Mark, you just have to let yourself enjoy things. I know you think," Jaemin shakes his head, voice so low that only Mark could hear. "I know you think being you, being us, is _ bad _ — don't give me that look, I know you do —, but it's not like you can change it, anyway. What are you going to do? Put a bullet through your heart?"

"No," he responds, and Jaemin lets out a sigh in relief, as if he really thought Mark was contemplating it. "I just-- I just don't know why he's still here. He should just walk away and leave me be. Or _ I _ should walk away and leave him be… Yeah, that would be better, since I was the one to walk into his life. But I can't do that."

"Why?"

He shrugs. He thinks of it: the first thing he immediately saw after Turning was Renjun's face. In the dim lights of his red Chevy truck, pulled at the curb barely three blocks away from campus where Mark, one hand pressed to his bloody neck, had knocked on his window as he waited for the engine to heat up and said _ hi, we never really talked in class, but you're the only one around and I was wondering if you could take me to the hospital, because I've been bitten and I think I'm going to faint. _

He was the one to walk into Renjun's life. He was the one to pull him into this mess. And ever since the beginning, ever since his _ new _ beginning, Renjun was there. 

This version of himself that Mark is now has never existed without Renjun. So he can't walk away. So he's a monster for it, whatever. What is a monster if not the physical depiction of the human selfishness, anyway.

"Because I love him," he replies, looking up a the city lights. When he moved here, he loved it. All that light. Now every time he goes out he's afraid that all that light is going to tell the world what he really is. "And every day I'm scared shitless that he's going to realize I love him, and be disgusted, and leave me. Because how can he love--"

He doesn't want to say it. At that, Jaemin is going to be offended. He shuts himself up. "I didn't ask to be a vampire," Mark says instead. "I was thrown into this life. Or whatever it is. I could have everything with him if I was human."

"Would you, though," Jaemin comments. He stretches his long, blue silk clad legs in front of him. "What if he was the one who got bit that day? Would you have met him? And would you love him anyway?"

Mark can't think of a world in which he wouldn't. "I am not him, though."

Groaning, Jaemin gets up. He checks the time on his watch. "Listen here, baby," he says, pointing at Mark's face. "Today is supposed to be fun. Now that you had your moping moment, get up from this bench and stop trying to figure out what goes on in Renjun's head. You said it yourself: you are not him. If he didn't like that you're a vampire, he would've stopped talking to you long ago, and he wouldn't have let you drink from him, that's for sure!"

He isn't… Wrong. Mark thinks. He isn't wrong. He'll give Jaemin that. He nods, and Jaemin smiles proudly. "What you know, darling," he continues. "Is that he's right there on that gallery waiting for us to show up because he cares about you and wants to hang out with you, so would you, please, give him that satisfaction? And yourself, just for an evening?"

Surprisingly, after all that talking, Mark does feel like a weight has been pulled off his chest. "Jaemin, do you-- do you think he could ever love me? Truly?"

Jaemin rolls his eyes, both of his hands coming up to press at Mark's cheeks. "You silly boy," he replies. "I cannot answer for him, but I do think that you deserve bright things in life, Mark Lee. And you won't get them if you don't go out there and try."

Mark nods. And Jaemin continues: _ "Even _ if you're a vampire, you hear me? Get over yourself before someone back home is less nice than I am and beat your ass for that. Understood?"

"Yes, Jaemin."

"Great!" he smiles, letting go of his face with a brush of his thumb against Mark's nose, like he'd do to a child. "Now let's get going because my baby is also waiting and I'd rather be with him than with you, no offense, though..."

"Your vampire friend and his boyfriend are really nice," Renjun says, once they're at the ending of the exhibit, and Mark lets out a long sigh that does not go unnoticed. "What, are they not?"

"Oh, _ Lucas _ is," he replies, looking back at where Jaemin is pointing out things to Lucas and probably telling him about how he's met this artist when she was alive a hundred years ago, or something like that. "Jaemin… Is nice on most days," he laughs. "Hey, um, thanks for coming, Renjun. This was fun."

Nudging him on the side with an elbow, Renjun shakes his head, smiling. Mark likes it when he smiles, so much, and he likes it even better when Renjun is smiling because of him. "I really wanted to see this exhibit," he says, looking around. There aren't many people in this part of the gallery, which must be why he takes one step closer to Mark and says: "I haven't seen you in so long, though. I missed _ my _ vampire friend."

At that, Mark grins. "So what do you say," he points with his chin to where Jaemin and Lucas are standing, too engrossed in each other to notice they even moved. "We stop crashing their date and go catch a movie?"

Renjun nods enthusiastically. "I would love that."

So they fall into place. 

Eventually. With some effort — Mark does try to chill, does try to get back to what they were before. But a part of him still… Thinks about it. When he's at Renjun's place playing Zelda and Renjun is just there, laughing at the stupid ways he dies in the game, annoyingly teasing him about in which ways Mark is similar to Lestat de Lioncourt — "Will you please stop comparing me to fictional vampires? You know that shit ain't real, you wound me," "Well, you two _ are _ very overdramatic vampires," —, he feels… Like letting himself want things. 

It lasts for a moment, of course. They're friends. Mark is in love with him, but they're friends. He'll get over it some day.

On top, of it there's this vampire in the coven that's obsessed with Mark.

It starts as they ride the elevator together one day. Mark says: _ I like your new hair, Jeno. It suits you. _Because it really does. The blonde brings out his elegant features — Jeno is as pretty as he is deadly, with fangs too sharp but eyes that smile for him most of the time. Mark wishes he looked like that sometimes. 

Well, he says that. And Jeno doesn't blink from floor 13 to lobby, which is a little weird of him. He also smiles in a way that makes him look like a child who's just got the best sweets for Halloween, and doesn't say anything, which is also a little weird of him. When Mark opens his mouth to say anything else, comment about the weather just to save himself from this situation, the doors of the elevator open and Jeno is gone in a split second.

And then it's just-- Mark doesn't even know what he thinks of it. Every time he walks into a room, Jeno's face lights up. He brings Mark extra bags of blood at uni, disguised as Capri Sun like they always are when you get them from Johnny. And he sometimes stands too close when Mark is sitting on his designated spot at the leather couch at Doyoung's library and if Mark moves his face, they're going to kiss, and it's a blessing that he's learned how to stand very still as a vampire, because what even.

He doesn't know what to think about it. 

And Renjun, for one, thinks it's cute. He laughs at him when Mark mentions it and Mark wants to cup his stupid little pretty loving face in his hands and tell him: _ if you don't stop right now I am going to kiss that laugh out of you. _But the thing about Renjun is that he's always making fun of anything Mark tells him, and it makes Mark's heart swell.

Metaphorically. His heart doesn't do anything anymore. And he doesn't say anything. And Renjun keeps laughing. Which is just how it's always been.

"It's a crush, Fangs," he says, between giggles. "It's not the end of the world."

He hums. "Maybe."

Maybe it's just how it was with him and Jaehyun. Months before and Mark wouldn't even let himself think of it, but it's true. He remembers the shape and the color of Jaehyun's lips as they pressed to the brim of a crystal glass filled with red, once during a meeting, and Mark had to _ force _ himself to look away, too flustered for his own good. Ah, he knows all vampires are venus flytraps cut from marble that evolution plays with, made to seem appealing to all humans, but some of them are just… Too much even for him.

It wasn't barely a crush per se. It was just puppy love. It lasted for exactly three weeks before he learned that Jaehyun had a boyfriend that could and would snap Mark's neck any time if he so much as batted his eyelashes at Jaehyun like a teenager, so he got over it. He wouldn't dare to fight Ten, taking in consideration that Ten took him under his wing. He got over it. 

Besides, there's Renjun. _ That _ 's something he can't get over. But that's just him. Maybe one day _ Jeno _ is going to wake up and realize that Mark is boring. Just as quick as it started, it's going to go away.

"Are you flirting with him, though?" Renjun asks teasingly, accepting the bowl of tteokbokki that Mark just handed him. Renjun is a menace in the kitchen, and Mark knows a thing or two, so Renjun makes him cook more often than not. "Is he cute?"

"I'm not flirting with him! I am only ever _ nice _ to him. But I think that me being nice is what makes him like me."

"That's how every crush works, Fangs."

Not exactly true. Renjun is mean to him most of the time and Mark would still marry him with paper rings, but he figures that's just him being a masochist. What is a monster if not a masochist in its own way. And it's horrifying, just how much Mark loves him, how much Mark earns to be near him. Sighing, he then flashes Renjun a devious grin as he sits down. "Should I be mean, then? Scare him off?"

"You don't have it in yourself to be mean to anyone," Renjun responds matter-of-factly, and Mark knows by the way his heart beats that he's being sincere. It throws him off like nothing else does, sitting there helplessly. There's a billion things about him that Renjun doesn't know. "Just tell him you're not interested. If you aren't, I mean."

"I am not."

"You sure?" 

"I am not," Mark insists, and he laughs. "Renjun, I am not interested!"

He watches as Renjun rolls his eyes, eating his tteokbokki, remainings of a laugh still on his lips, with such longing in his chest that it weights him down, pinning him to the Earth. 

_ Humans are so foolish, _ Mark thinks. He figures being a vampire has stripped him off of the sweet and sour ignorance that is not knowing someone can love you this much. Or maybe Renjun is not foolish at all — maybe it's good, that he doesn't know. Mark likes it that he doesn't know, most of the times.

He thinks of his conversation with Jaemin some time ago. If Mark was not a monster, and if a monster loved him, he wouldn't know what to do. But if it was Renjun--

"But if you're not interested in him," Renjun says, suddenly. He pushes the now empty bow far from himself, crossing his arms on top of the table. He raises one eyebrow. "Who are you interested in?"

Mark pretends he didn't hear, getting up to put the bowl on the sink. He should probably make Renjun eat more, he's terribly skinny. And he doesn't want to open his mouth because if he does, he'll spell it all out for him. _ You, idiot. I'm interested in you. _ I have been for the past year, thank you very much. Mark sighs to himself as he starts washing the dishes.

"Hey," Renjun says, pulling at his wrist. Mark didn't even _ see _ him moving. "No doing the dishes for me, you know I hate that."

He does. Mark lets go of the bowl, turns off the faucet, and turns around. And Renjun is-- looking at him.

He doesn't know what to do with himself. He's grown used to watching, not being watched. "What?"

"Have you fed recently?" Renjun asks, which throws him off guard a little. Mark frowns at him, at himself, even more when Renjun raises a hand to brush his thumb softly under Mark's eye. "Your eyes get a little bit hollow when you're thirsty. I noticed."

That… Might be true. It's not like Mark looks at himself in the mirror long enough to notice, and his toes curl inside his socks because _ he _ noticed. In a spur of courage, he brings his own hand to cover Renjun's. "I'm fine," Mark replies. "I'm not really that thirsty, I'll feed once I get home."

Renjun nods, pulling away. _ He's still holding Mark's hand _. Mark doesn't know what to to with himself--

"You can drink from me--" he says, and after a split second, adds: "I mean, if you want. If you _ want _ to, I-- am here. For you. If you want."

Mark widens his eyes. He's never seen Renjun stumbling on his words like this, he goes over and over the memory of it until he's certain that his brain must have imagined it, surely, but Renjun is still looking at him, here in his pyjamas that are too big and holding his hand. 

"Because--" Renjun continues. He never stops talking. Ever. Mark is so thankful for that. "You told me it's better for you when you drink from living people. And I saw that. So just… do it, you know."

Mark lets himself breathe. "Okay."

The rest of it is a blur. He waits for Renjun to finish washing the dishes, he feeds Renjun's fish on the aquarium with too much food just because he doesn't know what to do, and it's just a weird little feeling at the pit of his stomach that only goes away when Renjun sits down on his couch and pats the empty space beside him.

He lives in a nice place. Mark _ really _ likes it here, with all these big windows and fluffy cushions on the couch. He tries to look at anything but Renjun because he's not on the verge of collapsing in a bathroom, can't help but feel that anxiousness settle on his chest as he sits down. He takes notes of everything. Four cushions on the couch, one on the floor. A dark stain on the blue rug from the time Renjun spilled wine on it. There's a frame on the coffee table showcasing a picture of Renjun and his closest friends, a pretty boy named Sicheng who Mark sees every once in a while in campus, and another named Chenle, who has bright green hair. 

"Fangs," Renjun says. He touches him on the shoulder, and Mark lets out a breath. "Did you know you're the weirdest vampire I know?"

"I'm the only vampire you know."

"There's Jaemin."

"Doesn't count," Mark replies, pressing himself to the back of the couch. With all the bickering, it seems for a moment that this is just another night in which they're going to watch Netflix and Renjun will fall asleep during the movie. "You met him once. You've known me for longer."

Six hundred, fifty three days. That's just how much. The enormity of Mark's longing for the weight of Renjun's hand on his shoulder disgusts him. He takes a deep breath, and Renjun laughs at him.

"Stop laughing at me," he says half-heartedly. "Why are you always laughing at me,"

"Because you're quite funny. I'm telling you that you can drink my blood and you're purposely not looking at my face."

He didn't notice he was still staring at the coffee table. Tearing his eyes from it, Mark turns to him with a sheepish smile. "I'm shy?"

Renjun sighs. He braces himself against the back of the couch with an arm and promptly throws a leg around Mark's waist, climbing onto his lap, which is-- new. He's so not going to forget about it. Renjun sits back on his thighs, looking at him with an unreadable expression, although his heart rate tells Mark that he, too, isn't immune to that sudden change. "Stop thinking a lot about it," he says, which is easier said than done, but Mark does not have it in himself to contradict him. "Just do it."

Mark takes a deep breath, settling one of his hands on Renjun's waist. The other he uses to trace the faint scar on his neck, barely there — the bite of a Minor vampire doesn't leave permanent scars, although this little and very selfish part of him wishes they did. "If it's too much, you tell me," he says. "Just do something, say anything."

When Renjun doesn't reply, looking at him with a grin, Mark pinches him lightly over his shirt. He yelps: "Alright, Mark Lee, I heard you."

But Mark doesn't move, staring at him, and Renjun then taps at his own neck with two fingers. "C'mon, Fangs, be a big boy."

If Mark could blush, he would, and it's ridiculous that Renjun knows, with the way he smiles down at him, as if pleased he got Mark this flustered with a single sentence. And Mark, well, what can he _ do _ — he leans in, pressing his face to the side of Renjun's neck. 

It's… It's madness. He's never known humans could smell this good; he's sure it's just a Renjun thing. Although still very flustered, Mark wraps one arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Don't think much about, just do it. Don't think much about it, just do it. Don't think much about it-- he presses his lips to the same spot as the other time. Renjun's skin is burning up, or maybe that's just Mark's perception of it — he can feel his fangs slowly popping out, pressing at his lower lip. He takes a deep breath.

And bites down.

Immediately, his cheeks fill up with blood, and Mark can't help but let out a sigh. He was not hungry, but he feels like he needs it somehow — and it's so soothing, so good to him, Mark almost forgets himself. And Renjun pets his hair while he's at it, sitting there pliant on his lap, and Mark still thinks that it's more intimate than it should be. He lets go of him after a few minutes but keeps his face there, licking at the remainings of blood on his now purplish skin. 

Renjun doesn't move, though, still baring his neck at him, and Mark closes his eyes, nosing at his jaw. He knows what it feels like to be like this — he's bared his neck to Jaehyun countless times, out of reflex —, and Mark can't believe he's got him like this. 

Renjun, who always has the upper hand on anything, sitting here on his lap. Mark feels dizzy all of a sudden. "Is it enough?" Renjun asks, pulling at his hair slightly. "You can do it again if you want, just find another spot."

Mark breathes in, which is a mistake; he can only smell the blood, and Renjun's hands tighten on his shoulders. He says: "It's alright, Mark."

That's something about it. Renjun hardly ever calls him by name — it feels more intimate than it should be. And Mark does end up nibbling on his neck a little longer, it's more about the closeness than it is about the feeding, and he stops when Renjun lets out a sigh.

Leaning back, Mark holds his hips with both hands, trying to find any sort of discomfort or sickness on his face, but Renjun only presses his fingers to the purplish spots on his neck, looking like love bites, before letting his hand drop to Mark's shoulders once more.

He feels like he could say something — Mark _ should _ say something. He didn't say anything the first time they tried it because people were desperate to enter the bathroom and they had to leave, he had whispered Renjun a quick _ thank you _ before running to class both out of shame and because he was late. He should say something. He opens his mouth.

And Renjun sticks his thumb inside it, pressing against one of his fangs.

"They're sharper than I remember," he says, and Mark frowns at him. He's had his fair share of older vampires sticking their fingers into his mouth, just to see how his fangs were. It's a vampire thing. It's not a Renjun thing, but he moves onto the next fang, pressing at the tip enough to draw blood. Then he retreats, sucking his own thumb into his mouth.

At that-- Mark has to leave. Immediately. He could if he really wanted to, and Renjun wouldn't even see him, but he feels tied down to this couch right here, with Renjun's hands on his shoulders and Renjun's blood on his veins. The enormity of his love and desire is unbearable, disgusting, even.

Oh, he's such a bad friend. Bad, bad friend, horrible vampire, dumbest vampire ever. Mark swallows dry, still tasting like Renjun. "I don't think they'll grow longer," he replies, in hopes that Renjun won't notice that he wants him. "The-- the fangs, I mean. You should see Jaehyun's, they go past his lips--"

"Mark," Renjun says. There it is with his name again. Mark is going to jump out of the window and never come back; maybe he _ can _ move to the hotel-- "Mark, do you ever think of me?"

He lets out an incredulous laugh, which is obviously misinterpreted by Renjun, who motions to get off his lap, but Mark holds on to him for dear life. "What do you mean," he asks weakly. "Of course I do."

"But do you _ think _ about me?"

Oh. He takes in the blush on Renjun's cheeks — he has such an elegant face, and eyes like he's always asking you a question, and Mark is still not used to them looking at him. He tentatively brings a hand to Renjun's cheek, brushing a thumb against all that pink.

"I do think of you," Mark admits quietly. "More than I probably should. I'm sorry."

At that, Renjun lets out a chuckle. He shakes his head. "Fangs, you're unbelievable sometimes."

Mark widens his eyes. "Why--", but he doesn't get to finish. Renjun leans in and presses a light kiss to his lips, leaning back to look at him,_ is this okay, _and Mark can't imagine a world in which it isn't. Still, he waits for Renjun to do it again, and he does, and Mark feels warmer than he ever did since the day he was bitten.

He's forgotten about this. He's forgotten how it is to hold someone this close, to let someone else hold _ him _ this close, Renjun hands cradling his face, chest pressed to his. And it's ridiculous, even, how Mark falls pliant under his touch. Love as something that tears down your walls in the promise of a white fence, home-like, and some flowers. 

Love as an act of surrender. He feels like shaking when Renjun licks into his mouth, tongue pressing against his fangs, and Mark can't help but laugh against his kiss. To think he could ever hurt someone who has such control over him. He wouldn't mind dropping to his knees for him right now, his own personal bad religion, for all that Renjun is and what he makes him feel.

"I think about you too," Renjun tells him after a while, quite flustered, cheeks even more flushed. Mark has never been so in love with the concept of the color pink. "Like, just to be clear. I've been thinking. And you're not subtle, but I wasn't sure, so that's why I asked."

Of course. Mark rubs a knuckle against his own eye, groaning. "I have a tendency to go overboard with everything I do recently."

Renjun chuckles. He presses a fleeting kiss to his cheek. "Something tells me you've always been like this. And it's alright. I like you like this."

Love as the turning point in which the monster, unsure, takes a step into the sunlight for you, only for you, and against the warning signs, you accept it.

In a weekend in which Jaehyun takes some of them to Jinsoul's mansion in the mountains, Mark takes up on Heejin's offer to go jogging in the morning.

Another thing vampires like: running. But running for real — to the point they're just two blurry shadows here and there, stopping at the peak of a hill where the rest of the world unfolds beneath them like a painting. He sits on the ground, not bothered enough by the mud, and looks up at Heejin.

"I don't care," Mark says, and she frowns at him. "I don't care that it's tantalizing, falling in love with a human. I don't care if it hurts."

It takes her a while, but Heejin shakes her head, smiling. "Jaemin did tell me you're quite the tragic vampire. I suppose I saw it coming."

Then she sits down as well, pulling her knees to her chest. "It's just that 'm not the best at relationship advice. I should've told you back at the party. My first girlfriend was a human, too," and Mark widens his eyes at that. She keeps looking at the distance. "My first coven didn't approve of it. So I had to leave her and she eventually died of age. Had a family and all. And I loved her for long after that."

"I'm sorry," he says, although it's more of a whisper than anything. Heejin shakes her head, starts to brush the dirt off her fancy running pants. 

"It's alright, it was a really long time ago. I was just worried because I didn't want you to get hurt."

Mark nods. He supposes he's not immune to getting hurt — they haven't talked about it. Yet. Because it's so recent, and he's trying to take it slow for the sake of Renjun not realizing just how much he's been waiting for this. But sometimes he wonders what is going to happen when Renjun wants kids, or when he starts looking far older than Mark. He can't give him those things. He won't ever be able to give him a lot of things, things that should matter, in Mark's opinion.

And it still-- still pains him, to think of that. But if Renjun doesn't walk away, and if Renjun doesn't tell him to walk away…

Mark supposes he deserves things. Bright things.

"But--" Heejin tilts her head from one side to the other. She has a very long and silky hair, and Mark has never seen her without beautiful silk dresses on. She's more of a normal girl, still terribly pretty, but different than a deadly vampire now. "Do invite me to your wedding, though. I love human weddings. I love all those little sweets, but Hyunjin's idea of a wedding party is much different, unfortunately. I can't seem to convince her not to go traditional."

"By the Moon, I'm not _ marrying _ him," although he wants to. Mark has never been more certain. "Not in the near future, I think. You're going to get marry sooner than me, probably."

Heejin laughs: "Don't worry, I'll be around for a really long time. I won't let you forget. And I expect to be maid of honor!"

He nods, smiling. "Alright, maid of honor. And I'll buy a bunch of party sweets just for you."

And speaking of parties:

"Oh, look who's decided to come around" Jaehyun salutes him, smiling at him. Mark once believed that he looked a little scary, with a face cut from marble like that, with fangs this long. Jaehyun is, still, terrifyingly beautiful, but Mark doesn't have a hard time looking at his face anymore.

Not for fear related reasons, that is. He clears his throat: "I wouldn't miss a party like this one, would I?"

It's a joke, and it's why Jaehyun laughs. Mark is famous for ditching the coven's festivities more often than not — first it was because he was shy, and now he has a boyfriend back home to entertain. But then again, it's Taekwoon's death anniversary, and all six branches of the coven are here. If Mark didn't come, it would be _ offensive _, even. And Jaemin would personally drag his ass there once he realized Mark's absence.

And, also: "This is Renjun," he says, a bit shyly, tightening his hold on Renjun's waist as he extends a hand to Jaehyun. "My boyfriend."

"I've only heard good things about you," Jaehyun tells him, and when Renjun laughs, looking back at Mark in disbelief, Mark sighs profoundly, shaking his head.

"Well, it's an honor," Renjun says. "Thank you for having me."

Soon enough Jaehyun has to leave — to be pampered by his older siblings as he always is, or to engage in friendly arm wrestling matches with Hyejoo ("Haven't you heard, Mark?" she had told him, flashing him a grin full of sharp fangs. "I'll be battling for your coven's mastership!", and he had replied: "I'll be cheering for you, miss," because he knows better than to pick fights with her), and Mark is left with Renjun, leaning into his side, running a hand through his hair. It's longer at the back now, and Renjun likes it, so it's only fair that Mark loves it.

"He's the scariest vampire I've ever seen," Renjun whispers to him, although he looks more impressed than scary. "You said he has older siblings?"

"Five," Mark replies, chuckling. "And the twin that you met earlier. Honestly, just look for the fanciest, most scary-looking vampires around here and it'll be them."

Renjun nods, and Mark isn't lying. The first time he's met with all of the Jungs, he was sure he'd have a heart attack if he wasn't dead. As expected for the biggest, oldest vampire family in the world — each seven of them Major vampires with a coven of their own. _ Mess with a Jung and you're dead as an undead can be, _ or so he's heard. Their images were fitting for the saying.

Sometimes, Mark thinks that it's not really like that, though. He looks over to one of Jaehyun's brothers, Hoseok, where he's sat with his own coven, chatting and drinking. They're so easygoing, each of them. Bright colored hairs and clothes. Always travelling the world and making memories. He knows _ Hoseok _ is a dork, that's for sure. Mark likes him a whole lot. He thinks the oldest sister is the most intimidating – he still can't look Jessica in the eye most times, as she's just so beautiful, even if Jaehyun is there to pat at his back reassuringly.

"So, this is a vampire party," Renjun muses. He's convinced him to walk over to the balcony where some guests are chatting, and Mark was so relieved once he walked into the party and realized there were other humans there. 

(He doesn't know much about vampiric Law. Doyoung's been teaching him for a while, but he doesn't know much — he knows, though, that a vampire's companion is sacred, be it another vampire or not. So he's relieved that no one will look at Renjun and think he's a snack, he wouldn't know what to _ do.) _

"Are you having fun so far?" he asks, genuinely. Renjun smiles at him, nodding. "There's food for you at a table inside, but if you want to eat, do it quick. Some of us still like to eat human food, despite not needing it, and I wouldn't trust Yuta's late-minute cooking abilities that much."

Renjun snorts. "Fangs, please, I know a little about vampire lore. See, I have a vampire boyfriend of my own, and he teaches me a lot of interesting things."

"You do?" Mark raises his eyebrows teasingly. "Is he here? I would love to meet your vampire boyfriend. I bet he's awesome, tall and and cool, isn't he?"

Rolling his eyes, Renjun pulls him to a quick kiss. He's not much of a PDA guy, Mark's learned, but he also has a soft spot for Mark's usual dumbassery. When Renjun leans back, thumbs brushing against his cheekbones, he points with his chin to somewhere behind Mark's shoulder. "I think someone's been watching you for a while."

He turns around just in time to see Jeno not so subtly walk behind a group of vampires that he doesn't know, his light hair impossible to miss, and Mark chuckles, a little flustered.

"Oh, that's Jeno. I told you about him. You-- you know."

Renjun raises his eyebrows, trying to look over his shoulder. "Oh, but he's_ cute, _Fangs. You didn't tell me just how much," he flashes Mark a devious smile. "I'm having ideas."

"And what would those ideas be?" Mark shakes his head, laughing. "Are you searching for _ another _ vampire boyfriend? Am I not enough for you?"

Renjun shrugs. "The more the merrier, right?" although he grins. "Just tell me if you ever decide to give him a chance, that's all."

Mark-- he sighs, not even knowing what to say now that they talked about it. He brushes the hair off Renjun's face. "Let's go inside," he says. "I need to show you how vampires dance. It's an experience."

So the bite... Is a gift.

This is something Jaehyun's told him when Mark came knocking at his door, so long ago. Y_ ou're the best Yelp reviewed coven in town, please take me in. _Or something like that — sometimes Mark has a hard time remember things exactly like they happened. This is something they don't tell you about vampires. The more time passes, more difficult it becomes to remember trivialities vividly. But still, even as silly as he was, Jaehyun had pulled him to a master suit in this town's oldest, fanciest hotel, and offered him a glass of liquid rubies, a blood tastier than the ones Mark got used to get from the donors at the blood bank.

And he's told him that. _ The bite is a gift. You understand that, don't you? _

He doesn't. Not fully. He tries to, though, and he makes lists in his head. The bite is a gift and his skin is rock solid, disgustingly shatterproof, he lifts a car with one hand once for Renjun to see just how strong he is, how much of a monster he is, and Renjun doesn't run away, so the bite is a gift. It must be. Mark wants it to be.

He doesn't feel the weather, he doesn't need to eat human food, he doesn't feel the need to sleep although he does it because he likes it, but he's also taken a liking in watching Renjun sleeping recently, and Renjun still doesn't run away, so the bite is a gift. It must be. Mark wants it to be.

But he doesn't get sick, he doesn't age, he's a deadly concoction of what all humans aspire to be yet the price is often too much to pay — would you let go of your humanity to depend on other's? Would you drink blood to survive, to be beautiful and immortal? Would you take the vitality from someone else? He's sure he might be the only one with such concerns. Everyone back at the coven often laughs at his foolishness; _ you worry too much about humans, Mark Lee. You worry too much about yourself. _

He does worry. Won't deny that. And Renjun doesn't run away, but Mark still thinks he's undeserving, most days. He still thinks he's a monster — but does that mean he can't be loved? He still thinks he's far too deadly, each day he's more and more of everything Renjun should avoid — but does that mean he can't be loved? That he can't let himself be loved?

Mark presses his thumb to Renjun's pulse point, right under his jaw, as he sleeps. He feels his heart beating softly, and hears it, too. A sweet melody that he loves the most.

He could murder him like this — he wouldn't even need to take him by surprise. That's a fact.

He could murder him like this, snapping his neck like this, because he's stronger than Renjun will ever be. This is something he has told himself a billion times before now: you are the storm and he is a paper boat. He could murder him like this. 

And yet that very thought has Mark prying his hand away, hiding both of his under the pillow, breath caught in his throat. Just the thought of it terrifies him, makes him feel disgusted of himself. Love as the renounce of violence. Love as the renounce of everything he turned into, in exchange for everything he wishes he still was. In exchange for everything he tries not to forget.

"I love you," Renjun tells him, as if he's reading his mind. His voice is groggy, still full of sleep. And he has no idea what he's talking about. He never does when it comes to Mark. Mark can't even begin to explain how much he's ruined Huang Renjun ever since the day he knocked on his car's window. He brings a hand to Mark's neck, thumb rubbing against his Adam's apple. He repeats it: "I love you, Mark."

"I heard it the first time," Mark replies. "You fool. Now you're never getting rid of me."

"Wouldn't want to. I love you, despite all warning signs."

Love as a death wish. Love as the renounce of everything you've been taught in exchange for a moment of recklessness. Mark can't even begin to explain how much he's ruined Huang Renjun ever since the day he knocked on his car's window, but perhaps he's always been like this, stupid enough to hook his hand on the back of Mark's neck and pull him closer. And Mark has always taken pride in his stupidity, therefore he climbs onto his lap wordlessly.

Mark doesn't need to say it back out loud. Not today. Love as the renounce of words so that his mouth and body will do the work.

"Why is this so frustrating?" Renjun sighs, clicking on yet another tab on his keyboard. "I just want some goddamn tickets, for Heaven's sake. I'm sorry about not buying them sooner, Fangs. If you hadn't decided to get freaky in the morning, we wouldn't have missed the right time to buy them."

"It's fine, baby," Mark replies, promptly ignoring the accusation — he doesn't regret getting "freaky" in the morning, he's sure Renjun doesn't either, but he likes being a pain. Still engrossed in his game, he rests his head on Renjun's crossed legs. "I told you, we already had our first date. It was like, thirteen months ago. So it's not a big deal. We can see Taylor Swift next time she comes to town."

He knows exactly when their first date took place, but Renjun often clowns him for the way he keeps track of the silliest things. Mark presses a button on the game and watches as Link turns Fireblight Ganon to ashes, please with himself.

Pulling at his hair, Renjun scoffs: "Driving you to the hospital after you've been bitten by a vampire hardly counts as a first date."

_Fool. _Of course it does. Mark died on the passenger seat of Renjun's old red Chevy, and the miracle of the bite brought him back. It was like his brain suddenly remembered he had to take History of Economic Thought with Huang Renjun every Thursday, and then Mark came back from the dead for him. No grave could ever hold his body down, not if it's Renjun.

"If anything, you should be glad," he says instead, in a pout. He pauses the game and looks up at him. "I bet you'll never have a first date so fun like that ever again."

"Oh," Renjun laughs. He leans over and presses a sweet kiss to Mark's forehead. "Wouldn't ever want that, Fangs."

**Author's Note:**

> let's clear the search: mark sexy vampire mark big dumbass mark fool in love


End file.
